Pecan pie

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So one year my grandma found a recipe in the newspaper for a pecan pie, and figured I could make it as one of my first solo cooking projects. She'd been teaching me how to cook for several years, and this pie was my "graduation".

It looked easy enough to make, so I did. And didn't take much trouble at all. In fact, it turned out great, and my grandma complimented me on what a stellar pecan pie it was.

I continued making it for my family, who still loved it. Then, I started passing it onto my friends, who also couldn't get enough.

After many years of baking this delicious treat, this recipe holds in my mind as the best pecan pie in the world. Now I'm giving it to you all to share with your family and friends.

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The Best Pecan Pie In The World

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First of all, get your pets out of the kitchen because they will get their noses in the corn syrup and they will run around the house looking like they need to blow their fucking noses. It'd also be a good idea to turn your oven to 350 degrees to get it ready.

You're going to combine the corn syrup, brown sugar, salt, butter and vanilla.

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Pack your brown sugar. Just go ahead and stick your cup in the bag, it makes things easier and less messy.

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Finish it off with a spoon in the mixing bowl you will use.

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Now, make a screaming face out of your brown sugar tower. If you don't do this, the pie won't turn out right. Prepare your cup of corn syrup and dump it on the brown sugar.

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Accidentally drop your spoon into the bowl while preparing the vanilla. You'll need one teaspoon.

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Unnnnh! How you like that?

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Now, cut off enough butter to make 1/3 of a cup. It should say on the wrapper. If it doesn't, you can just cut one or two inches off the stick and use the rest.

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Toss that in the microwave to melt it. Keep an eye on it. We don't want to boil any of that over and lose the precious fatty juices that would otherwise go in our bodies.

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Now would be a good time to go grab an icy glass of that cream sherry you just bought. Pick up the glass, savor the aroma, swirl it around a bit, take a sip, notice the woody taste...

Shit, the butter!

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Whew, you caught it in time, disaster averted. Pour it all over the sticky, disintigrating body of your screaming brown sugar man.

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Stir that shit up.

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Now, crack the three eggs.

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Beat the shit out of them.

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Pour the shit out of them...

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And mix the shit out of all of it.

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Add the salt, which you forgot earlier.

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The spoon! Goddamn it not again!

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Get your frozen pie crust and place it on a cookie sheet. This is essential for when your pie boils over (and if you don't have a deep dish crust, it will). Burning sugar sends a nasty smell through the entire house and could even give the pie a slight odor after it's done. Please use a cookie sheet.

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After mixing your filling until it can't be mixed anymore, pour it into the pie shell.

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Now, ready an overflowing cup of pecans.

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Sometimes I like to mix candied and fresh pecans. It makes it seem like I'm getting more use out of them, because they're expensive.

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Now sprinkle those shits all over the filling, making sure it covers it all. Sometimes you can "fill in the gaps" with diced pecans, if you like.

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Stick it in a preheated 350 degree oven for 45-60 minutes. Now, if you used a smaller crust, you'll only need 45 minutes. But if you used a deep dish shell like I did, you'll need the hour. In either case, when your pie still looks like this...

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IT IS NOT DONE YET. See all that tan-colored "foam"? That needs to mostly go away before you take it out of the oven. This is all of the air bubbling out of the pie so that it may have a smooth, caramely texture. At least I assume so.

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Another way of checking the doneness of the pie is this: take the cookie sheet and move it a bit. Did the pie jiggle like a Jello mold? Are the pecans bulging over the top? If so, wait another few minutes before taking the pie out of the oven.

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When the pie has fell back to a normal position and you start seeing clear bubbles rise from the filling, chances are it's done.

Ah, yes. Hard as it may be to do, set it out and let it cool for a good half hour. You don't want to cut into a pie that has not congealed all the way yet. And you certainly don't wanna burn your tongue on hot sugar.

Admire it for a while and finally cut into it with a knife and fork. It may not be the prettiest and most cohesive-looking pie out there, but one bite will make you forget those thoughts.

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Set out in the kitchen and watch the pieces start disappearing!

Thanks to my lovely girlfriend, Amy, for the beautiful photos and assistance.

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