Fettuccini Alfredo by CapnBry

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Cooking pasta is easy, and most novice cooks can throw some dried sticks of flour in boiling water without starting a kitchen fire. Jumping up to a steak au poive vert in white truffle oil isn't exactly the next step though. Making pasta with your own sauce looks impressive, is quick and economical, and can even be done with one hand holding a digital camera. This method is presented here.


  • Chicken breast
  • 1/3 cup grated parmesan cheee
  • 1/3 cup heavy cream
  • 1 tbls butter
  • a serving of dried fettuccini



Boil up some water and a good pinch of salt to it. Toss in your pasta, making sure to laugh maniacally for dramatic effect. Those strands won't be going home to see their mothers again! I use homemade fettuccini because I'm a pretentious fuck.


That's going to take about 10-12 minutes to cook, and you want the chicken and pasta to be done at the same time, so you've got a few minutes to kill. Take this time to try to learning Epsaranto, or something even more useless like how to give your girlfriend an orgasm. Let's face it though, if you could do that, you wouldn't be cooking chicken for 1.

Cover the chicken breast with a piece of waxed paper and beat it with the flat side of your mallet / hammer / fifth of whiskey until it is an even 1/2" (12 700 microns) thick.


Heat up a frying pan over medium heat (6 of 10, if you've got that). Add a little olive oil. When the pan is ready, the oil will smoke. Put the chicken breast in, smooth side down and let it sit.


You've got a few more minutes here too. About 3-4 to be precise. If you're not wearing pants, you really should put some on. Spattering oil can really sting. Flip the chicken once is is browned on that side. 3-4 minutes left while the chicken finishes up. Use this time to remove your pants, dinner's almost ready.

How do I know when the chicken is done? make the A-OK (or the 'if you look you're a fag') symbol with one of your hands, now poke the palm side of your hand with your finger from the other hand. Unless you're a fat fuck (again, you are eating alone, tubby), that's what fully cooked chicken feels like.


When the chicken is done, the pasta should be about done. Drain the pasta and pull the chicken off. Turn the heat on the pan to low and dump the pasta in. Your camera may not be able to focus, so really get it into the steam to compensate. I hear electronic equipment loves that.


Add the butter and cream, and shake it all about. If the the cream goes crazy boiling, take the pan off the heat because you can burn it and leave you sitting there fat with no girlfriend and no food and that's no way to go through life.


Add the cheese. This cheese is so great, I had to take a separate picture of it. Thanks to Kraft Foods in Mexico, and NAFTA for providing the cheese. Nobody makes a good parmesan reggiano like those Mexicans.


That just needs to cook a bit until the cheese melts, just keep an eye on it while you cut the chicken into strips. You did wash that cutting board before you put cooked chicken on it right? That's OK, I enjoy salmonella as much as the next guy, and you're a fat, girlfriendless guy who burned his dinner; what do you have to live for?


When the cheese is melted and the chicken is cooked, plate the pasta and put the chicken on top. If you've got some flat leaf parsley, that's a great way to add some color to the dish. If you've got some weed, you could put that on top too, if you're retard.


It takes about 15 minutes, start to finish.

EDIT: Oh SilverWeed just reminded me. If you want to take this to the next level, I use a tri-colored tottellini, cut the chicken into chunks instead of strips, then add a handfull of cayenne pepper and half a bag of frozen peas. Turns it into "Cajun Cream Tortellini with Chicken" which is friggin awesome.